A Pain Worse Than This?

I am experiencing the return blow of the worst pain I have caused to women. It’s Karma, but only so because I have never felt a pain like this and now I’m experiencing it. The women who I have hurt expressed their pain via a damn near-complete emotional breakdown. Even though I may have callously understood my reasons for having to inflict such an emotional blow I still had to acknowledge the deepness of their pain and to continue to dig the knife in further after that acknowledgment is just some cold shit. Imagine what that causes a person to feel. They’re already wallowing through an emotional torrent that’s unlike anything they have ever felt and choosing for your own selfish reasons to add a few more peculiarities to the mix is just…there are no words to describe.

And to make it a little more effed up, sometimes they tell you of prior “worst pains they’ve ever felt” well before you decide to challenge what’s gotta be an assumption with your deplorable actions. It’s almost as if you consider their “worst” a challenge you must best. That’s loving your life more than life itself. Sorry, I thought I was loving my life. Truth is I had to be pretty damn pitiful to cause the harm in the first place. How does someone that pitiful deserve love from anyone? What kind of sublime power did those women possess? It’s forgiveness literally beyond measure.

What on earth kind of emotions was I so absent-mindedly playing with?

If their pains felt worse than this(!) I don’t even want to imagine it for fear that I may feel it someday. My return blow didn’t come with the same destructive might I dealt because I completely understood the intention. She knew I need this because she needs this. Oh, it hurts something awful, but there’s a bit of padding there and all I can I hope is that each woman I have wronged in the past has found their one true love because at least that provides an odd loving response to the pain, not a justification, only vindication because that means they countered immense pain with hope. I don’t know how they did it, but I kind of know why they did it…and I would be remiss if I didn’t reiterate that the way the blow was dealt to me came with such a loving grace that I didn’t feel it, only its repercussions. Only a soul who forgives because they have forgiven can do something like that. They understand the point of the return.

This feels horrible, but necessary…I just hope I can pull through it. To wrap this up I just want to simply say I’m sorry and thank you.


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