My Revelation

Okay, I know I talk a lot of stuff on this blog and I really have no clue how it affects those who accidentally (typo synchronicity) stop by. I have a couple readers who I treasure and when they leave comments my heart melts because I feel I’m doing this for my health. Hey, I might just be. I feel like I’m dying anyway (so damn melodramatic), perhaps this is the mark I’m supposed to leave behind. Okay, let’s move on from that morose nonsense and get to the point of this post—the revelation. Come on in for the juicy details…

The Orange Jumpsuit Saga

I was arrested for a domestic dispute. The charges were battery, false imprisonment and resisting arrest. I must clarify, I did not hit anyone, but I did block the door and I did run from the cops…badly. I ran from them and then right back to them. They tackled me to the ground. I struggled a bit, but stopped abruptly when I heard one of them threaten to tase me. I was in a rage, confused, caught up in the moment. No excuses. No reason. Just general dumabssity. It happened. I’m learning from it. Served 50 days in jail. Probably will have to go back to serve more on probation violations due to the fact I do not have the money to pay for the court ordered classes I have to take. Whatever. These are the long-term consequences for my momentary knee-jerk reaction. Just gotta deal with it.

During my first go around “dealing with it” I made friends with guys who had WHITE PRIDE tatted on their bodies, recovering drug addicts, Muslims, devout Christians, gangbangers…but here’s the crazy bit…they actually were none of these things. These were just mere surface level distinctions. This hit me like the ton of bricks that surrounded me when I noticed a couple other surface level distinctions…laughter and tears. Yeah, there was a part of me that wanted to judge, but I couldn’t because I knew the yin and yang tango of emotions quite well. I’ve danced it. I’ve choreographed it. The real hip bit was watching tears turn into laughs. No, it wasn’t all Cokes and smiles, but considering the fact that we (one-hundred dudes) were stuffed in a dorm the size of an AutoZone and less than a handful of altercations broke out, it wasn’t ALL bad.

Been There, Done That
I have had gay experiences and by gay experiences I don’t mean frolicking in a meadow, I mean frolicking with male genitalia. However, I don’t consider myself gay, bi, straight or crooked. Why? Because I believe our sexual preferences are based on what we prefer sexually. Uh, isn’t that obvious? Not really. Let me explain. Our sexual preferences are not as hard-lined as we think. Our preferences are quite delusional in this regard. It’s more about what we get out of our sexual experiences and the gender distinctions provide mere surface level differences. And please note I’m talking about our sexual preferences, not our procreational preferences (we all know how that works). Are we square on that? Good. Let’s go. Here’s a video to get us started. No sleeping please…and yes there will be a quiz…

Okay, I know you’re probably wondering what in the hell does wine pairing have to do with sexuality? Well, it’s simple. It’s a matter of surface textures. A lot of our enjoyment of food is based on its surface. If I place this…

Picture by this person.

…in front of you your mouth waters. But let’s say I dumped the contents of the platter into a blender and served the resulting slop to you…

Now that may cause you to run to the nearest bathroom where you’ll perform an involuntary impression if you get my drift. If you don’t…I’m saying it may make you wanna throw up instead of taking a bite. And if you were brave enough to take a bite I doubt the experience would be as savory as devouring it in its previous state. Okay, now let’s complete this cumbersome analogy…sexual pleasure at its core is the slop above. The entrée represents our preferences. Some folks like caviar, others dig a salad and although taste factors into our food preferences, surface texture is quite important…

I dabbled because I was curious about other textures. New terrain if you will. I possessed the drive to do so. Others may wonder about these things, but not act on them and that is their prerogative. I did and I learned exactly what my comfort food is. Please note, I’m not advocating that everybody run out and start experimentin.’ Just be honest with yourselves. Sexuality isn’t as rigidly defined as you think. You are more sexually capable than you think. Your mind wanders for a reason because we wonder for a reason. You can shout about how you would never ever do this or never ever do that, but our conscience knows the score. Not saying we’re all a bunch of deceived bisexuals. Just saying I know you’ve thought about it and perhaps that is why this occurs…

The existence of gay people makes us think about another possibility that we may not have thought of before. Yeah right. You don’t have to see one gay person to think about the possibility. The minute you think about sex you think about possibilities. Gays are ostracized because they remind us of our curiosities. We have to call these curiosities perverse because they are relatively anomalous. But maybe the perversity comes from our inability to talk frankly about sex. It is the act that is behind the “surface” of our existence and we enjoy it yet we fear it. We think it’s dirty, tawdry but we do it, we think about it. Why do we insist on BSing each other? Well, the thoughts we have are peculiar and we’re not too fond of peculiarities and instead of trying to understand why they exist we tend to destroy them.

Curiosities inspire abstract thought and that’s scary to us. We’ve already sold our soul to fear. If we start ‘thinking’ we may violate the terms of our contract and if we do that we may miss out on that living forever thing. Well, here’s the tricky bit…if we rip up the contract and step out on faith we may get somewhere. Yeah, it seems risky. We’re exposed. Fear is protection. It gives us a reason to fight, to hate and to hide. Without it THEY can get us. But what if THEY follow OUR lead? The more of THEM that join US, the better WE are. See how the sacrifice quickly becomes relatively painless? And really, what’s the worst THEY can do? Kill us? Yeah, they can put our bodies to rest, but they’ll never kill the spirit of our sacrifice. That lives on forever. We don’t own it. We merely borrow it and no thing or no ONE can kill that. No matter how hard it/they try. The spirit is constantly being resurrected. The spirit of sacrifice. To die for the sins of others is to die for what you believe in without hurting those who deny you. The beauty is that we don’t HAVE to suffer if we don’t WANT to suffer. Perhaps the true “original sin” is weaponized judgment (see the video above) and the sacrifice is not responding in kind with further judgment, but its equally absurd counter love. Perhaps guys. Perhaps.

Oh, and I know I got off on a tangent there, but I literally cannot help myself. This stuff just pours out. Before we leave this segment I want to add one thing: I know I mentioned how much the surface factors into our sexual preferences. However, when you add love to the equation that surface doesn’t really matter anymore.

Using Adjectives And Personal Pronouns To Tear You Down
I’ve never hit anyone with malicious intent, but I have said things that stung like a right cross to the face. Really hurtful nasty things. Why did I say such things? Probably to mask my crippling insecurities. I was projecting my self-hate—masking doubt and fear with vitriolic rage. Didn’t work. The pain I caused exposed my bullshit. How? Because I found satisfaction in their pain. I found relief in their tears. I thought I was off-loading some baggage…

It felt good for a couple of seconds and then there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find a stack of boxes on my doorstep all marked RETURN TO SENDER. Damn. I don’t have anywhere to put this stuff. Oh wait. Maybe I’ll have a yard sale. No need for price tags though. I’m givin’ all this mess away for free.


1 Response to “My Revelation”

  1. 1 Denys September 29, 2010 at 11:18 am

    “… Don’t know why, but I believe that [my reminiscence] will leave me if only I wrote [it] done”. (Достоевский Ф.М. Записки из подполья. Т.2, Москва, 1982. – с.431).
    Things in human mind should be relate to each other in similar manner like things in external world (G.V. Leibnitz)
    Both quotes have the same principle as your writing, I think.

    Good idea of the X-ray pin up girls: sex and death are walking the same way since Z.Freud.

    There is love between men, but there is not sex. The last problem is ill-fabricated. May be that problem was made-up by rich circles people who don’t get ‘good’ girls last time (cause of real and deep love between boys and girls). So, the more gays, the more free girls!
    Totally, if we really have some codes in deep level (I mean our sexual preferences) then we should realise much more preferences. May be animal, avian or even reptile.

    Be careful with consciousness, dear friend!

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