Is ‘this’ it?

Bored? Tired of your shitty life? Tired of your shitty reality? I think I can help. Here are some crazy true stories for you. Take your pick…

Desperate for another child, mother forces daughter to inseminate herself

Man loses life savings on carnival game

Chicago woman drags ex-boyfriend’s lover under her car

What? Been there, done that? But come on…you can play your favorite game—the At Least I’m Not… game. You know the rules, read sensational stories and then wax righteous: “Yeah, I may be fucked up, but at least I’m not THAT! fucked up.” It’ll be fun. You can even post the stories on your Facebook timeline. Have all your friends join in. Get all worked up for about ten minutes. No? Damn it. Okay, well, I should have known. These stories are full of nobodies. What about some celebrity gossip?! I got breakups, DUI busts, sex tapes, drunken Twitter ramblings, non-black celebrities saying the N-word. Still no? Been there, done that too? I got some Illuminati stuff. I got this YouTube video that proves that everyone is in the Illuminati. I mean everyone. Like the whole world. Still no? Damn. How am I gonna get your attention? Oh, I know, I need to raise the stakes

I knew that would work! Gotta blow some shit up to get your attention. Nothing like a big fucking deal event happening in a big fucking deal city to big fucking deal people to stop us dead in our tracks. High body count. Airplanes turned into missiles. Billows of toxic smoke chasing people through city streets. Epic. Extraordinary. Like a movie.

Hey. Wait. Where are you going? Hold on. There’s more. I got twenty-four-hour ‘BREAKING NEWS.’ I got miscellaneous officials talking in hyper-serious robotic tones about ‘what we currently know’ and speculating on everything else (this represents the bulk of the coverage). I got ‘ordinary people’ who heretofore you didn’t know or cared to know existed. You’ll care now because the big fucking deal happened to them. You’ll see their pained faces in sappy photomontages accompanied by comically maudlin music. Oh, and don’t worry, you won’t have to come up with any heartfelt commentary of your own, I got an assload of memes for you to share. Come on, don’t you want to Mourn™? Don’t you wanna do something with all of those Thoughts and Prayers™ you’ve been collecting? If you’re worried about length of commitment just remember: you’re only connected to the big fucking deal through the media. You don’t have to actually suffer like the people who were actually affected. You can stop giving a fuck the minute the coverage ends (this depends on a few factors: social class, nationality and race of the victims; level of sensationalism, body count and potential for political exploitation). And once it’s all over you can go right back to your shitty life, your shitty reality.

“In the future, every tragedy will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” -Andy Warhol (remixed by Spaceman’s Hairdo)

Hey, I know you want to end on that ‘profound’ quote, but I gotta question: What in the hell is your point? And I’ll take your answer inside.

The only thing that seems to get us all to stop and collectively consider what the fuck we’re doing on this blue ball is death and destruction. But not just your ordinary everyday death and destruction; theatrical death and destruction. And when something’s not blowin’ up or gettin’ shot up our attention is being consumed by dumb shit.

You have some nerve talkin’ about dumb shit. Have you actually read some of the shit on here? Seriously, you sound like an idiot.

Please, spare me your insults.

Okay, I’ll be nice.

Just think about it…what if a group of foreign brown people approached us with an articulate, well thought out reason why they disagreed with our foreign policy? You think we would listen?

No, we would turn the damn channel.

To some dumb shit. So BOOM! goes the bomb. Now we’re awake. Now we’re paying attention.

But how does that advance their agenda? It just brings negative attention their way. Now we want to fight. Now we want to blow ‘their’ shit up.

Yep, and we become part of the show. Part of the grand spectacle. They got to us through fear. Make us afraid and we pay attention. We are very much engaged then. We may not buy what they’re selling, but at least we know their product exists.

You sound a little jealous.

Excuse me?

Well, think about it, no one knows you exist. I know that bothers you. Maybe if people knew about you you wouldn’t be so broke, so pitiful. I know you think you’re doing something with this Tricky Relativity bullshit, but truth is—well, let me not say that. I said I was going to be nice.


Earlier, you were badmouthing our celebrity-driven culture, but I know for a fact you want in, you want some of that celebrity attention. You’re not really cool with obscurity. But you need to ask yourself: ‘Do I really want that kind of attention? Could I really handle it?’ My insults are nothing compared to what the world’s gonna throw at you. They’re not nice people. They’re fucked up. They’re insecure. They’re jealous. They’re fearful. They want blood. And these are the people you want to love and adore you?! You gotta remember one thing: they’re not going to love ‘you,’ they’re only going to love how you make them feel and if they get tired of the feeling or if you fail to provide the feeling they will bury you. Their love is as fickle as their attention span.

Well that’s not love.

Exactly. It’s neediness—it’s sick. But that probably doesn’t matter to you. You just want them to pick you as someone to give a fuck about. It would validate you.

Let’s just wrap this up, we’re deviating from the original idea.

Don’t worry, nobody is in here with us. We’re all alone.

Are you sure?

Trust me, no one is reading this. And really, do you want anyone to read this nonsense?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no, but lately I’ve been feeling desperate.

Desperation is scary.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything crazy. I think that stuff is hacky.

But ironic self-awareness isn’t? Okay.


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