Social media sites are gonna be mined by the Ancestry.coms of the distant future1. I’m not being facetious either, I GUARANTEE this is going to happen. Some of you are probably thinking to yourselves: “How can this fool guarantee anything, he doesn’t know shit!” and some of you would be right, but why not take a few shots? See if you can hit a FUTURE target. If it all comes true these words will SEEM like prophecy. Ain’t that divinely hilarious? We’re on here messin’ around and our descendants are gonna think we were fortune-tellers, wise beyond our ancient age. Just like we think of those who came before us. We act like they were all omniscient sages who didn’t crack one joke. Moving on… I present to you: “The Moment My History Was Born”…
Here’s the setup: A young woman visits a future genealogy service to find traces of her ancient relative in the sprawling database they call The Ether. The above was the ONLY piece they were able to find. The technician worries that the young woman might be disappointed, but is surprised when her face lights up, eyes well; she can’t believe she is ‘looking’ at the words of her OLDEST known matriarch. She’s curious about one thing though…
“What in the hell is a ‘lil wayne?'”
The tech replies, “Well, unlike your ancestor who didn’t share much—and as a result we didn’t have much data available—her name only pops up a few times, such is not the case with ‘lil wayne,’ there is extensive information2 regarding him. Here, I’ll show you.”
1. And they’re not gonna give a damn about our privacy settings, passwords and copyrights just like we don’t give a damn when it comes to removing ancient dead people from their tombs, artifacts from their lands. Our descendants are gonna be all up in our inboxes, looking at ALL our dick pics.
Oh, and deleted files won’t be safe either!↩
2. What if the more we tag, like, comment, message and share with one another on this WWW thing the EASIER it will be for our distant selves to find us, put us back together, introduce us to the NEW folks? Just picture it: A house full of your blood—living, laughing, loving and a few of your more stylishly-shot selfies are hanging on the wall above the future equivalent of a fireplace while a relative reads some of your ‘updates‘ to a group of kids. Funny thing is: these ‘people’ may look NOTHING like you.↩