Dead Funny


Here are a couple bits written in the voices of various deceased comics. Enjoy…

Robin Harris
“People makin’ a big stink about this pretty little gal Bee-yo…Bee-yay………what’s the gal’s name?… Whateva the girl’s name, folks is rantin’ an’ ravin’ ova some real family shit that happened in an elevator. Like they were born in some test-tube and ain’t got no family. Shit, that’s what families do! We fight! Look, my sister kicks my wife’s ass every Thanksgiving. No joke. Every Thanksgiving my baby-sister blackens both of my old lady’s eyes. Poor wife end up lookin’ like a raccoon. We call her Racky… ‘Hey Racky, pass the damn peas.'”

George Carlin
“Because of all the shit I said about religion you’re probably wondering where I am right now. Am I just withering away or burning in hell for calling religion bullshit? Well, I’m still talking to you. Does it matter where the fuck I am? I’m ‘still’ here. But you don’t care about that. All you wanna know is who’s wrong and who’s right. You want confirmation. Well fuck you! I ain’t givin’ it ta ya.”

Redd Foxx
“This one, right up front here, she ain’t laughin,’ I think she might be dead. Get a doctor. Quick…… Why you not laughin’ honey? What’s the matter? It’s not like I’m not sayin’ some funny shit. Everybody else in here laughin,’ havin’ a good ol’ time.”

::audience roars::

“See, that’s the problem. Everybody walkin’ around with too much shit inside. You bump into somebody and before you getta chance to say sorry they throwin’ you off a damn bridge. Now that’s a sonofabitch who ain’t laughin.’…… Honey, you don’t wanna throw nobody off no bridge now do you? It’s gonna be all right. You gotta let go. Release some of that shit…… Can’t be walkin’ around here tight…… That’s why you gotta laugh honey. Ain’t that why you came to see me tonight?…… She lookin’ at me like, ‘No, I came here to throw some niggas off bridges.'”

Richard Pryor
Paul says I was a junkie first, genius second. Well, I ain’t doin’ that shit now so does that make me ALL genius? He’d probably say, ‘You’re dead Rich, you can’t freebase in the afterlife.’ That’s when I would say, ‘I know, ain’t that shit genius?'”

Joan Rivers
“Actually, I’ve been dead for years. I’ve been living off my face this whole time. It’s like a trampoline. I said one word twenty years ago and it hasn’t stopped moving since. I’m one energy-efficient bitch.”

Rodney Dangerfield
“So I got a Facebook page now. I uploaded a picture of myself. Guy leaves a comment saying, ‘Hey Rodney, didn’t know you were into crime scene photography.'”

Patrice O’Neal
“I was doing this stupid fuckin’ morning show; dude asks me, ‘So what do you think the Clippers should do about Donald Sterling?’ Really, I don’t give a fuck what they do with that Jewish muthafucka……

::audience groans::

“Oh, shut the fuck up. All I said is that he’s Jewish. Ain’t that what the muthafucka is? Nigga’s last name is fuckin’ Tokowitz. That’s a Jewey fuckin’ name. You act like I said the muthafucka killed Jesus. Calm down. Calm the fuck down. But I get it. You idiots groanin’ because you been programmed to do that shit. That’s what this whole Sterling bullshit is about. Programmed fucking reactions.

(mocking tone): ‘He’s racist! What he said was hurtful! I’m hurt! I’m so fucking hurt!’

“Get the fuck outta here. That ol’ shriveled-up muthafucka is just scared of young niggas wit’ big dicks who eat fuckin’ HGH-flavored breakfast cereal. It’s that sexual inadequacy bullshit. You idiots too caught up in the fucking Matrix to see that shit. That muthafucka got you wit’ that ‘I don’t want black people at my games’ shit. Come on! You can’t see through that shit?! Muthafucka is ‘hiding’ behind racism. That’s what he’s doing. This disheveled (nebbishy gestures) fucking idiot doesn’t have the balls to be racist. Fuck, I’m more racist than this muthafucka! I wish a bitch would record me. She wouldn’t even have to set me up like she did that idiot. Askin’ all those dumbass questions. All she’s gotta ask me is, ‘How was your day Patrice?'”

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