Spaceman on TV


A few months ago I asked my FB friends to give me names of TV shows to write scenes for (I did a similar thing with rap artists). Here are the results of that experiment…

requested by Tatyana

    KELLY: I think I had a symphony, Bud.

    BUD: Congratulations. Moving up from your usual football teams, biker gangs and cover band roadies I see.

    KELLY: I meant ‘symphony,’ like a life-changing thought.

    BUD: Oh yeah, ‘that’ kind of symphony. Please excuse my ignorance. So, what was this life-changing thought, Kel?

    KELLY: I realized that men only like me because of the way I look; and I have nothing to do with that.

    BUD: Well, maybe you need to thank mom and dad.

    KELLY: No, not really, because they don’t have anything to do with who they are either…and neither did their parents, and neither did their parents, and ne—

    BUD: Be careful, Kel, you remember what happened the last time you thought too much.

    KELLY: I know, but it grew back.


    AL: What you got there, Peg?

    PEGGY: It’s this new pill, it’s called Viagra; you’ll be able to go all night.

    AL: Go where?

    PEGGY: Stop joking Al. What’s wrong? You don’t find me sexy?

    AL: I gave up that search a long time ago, Peg.

requested by Michele

    LOUISE: Sometimes I look at Tom and Helen and I wonder.

    GEORGE: Wonder what, Weezy?

    LOUISE: Well, there was this one young man I knew before I met you. He was—

    GEORGE: —some ol’ uptight, no-rhythm havin,’ stone-hipped, two-faced honky like Tom, right?

    LOUISE: No…he was able to reach high-cupboards. That’s all.

requested by Carmen

    VINT: I still can’t believe Mitzi ran off to be a cocktail waitress mama.

    THELMA: I knew it was gonna happen all along.

    VINT: What do you mean, mama?

    THELMA: I asked the girl what she wanted for Christmas last year and she said a martini shaker and a pair of running shoes.

requested by Carmen

    SHAZZA: We livin’ in a fantasy world my brotha. Isolated from reality. Outside these walls the world ain’t so brown.

    RON: What you talkin’ about man? ‘You’ ain’t so brown!

    SHAZZA: Blackness has nothing to do with skin-tone.

    RON: Just like soap has nothin’ to do with yo’ body.

requested by Desiree

    MARY: But he’s a criminal, Sandra!

    SANDRA: Former criminal, Mary.

    MARY: I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

    SANDRA: Oh come on, Mary, he didn’t do anything that bad. Just tried to sell a few knock-off watches.

    MARY: Still, you need to be careful. You never know what these type of men are capable of. He might try to knock you off.

    SANDRA: Only if I’m lucky.

For these next two I picked the show and my friends picked the characters, setting and subject…

(CHARS: Elaine and George, SETTING: Park, SUBJECT: Homeless People).
scene parameters by Michele


    ANGLE ON homeless man sleeping on bench.

    GEORGE and ELAINE stand nearby.

    GEORGE: (gesturing toward man) You know what? That doesn’t look so bad.

    ELAINE: Sleeping on a park bench?

    GEORGE: Not just that. The whole thing.

    ELAINE: What’s the ‘whole thing?’

    GEORGE: The freedom. Here is a man who marches to his own beat. He doesn’t let society dictate where he should sleep.

    ELAINE: His lack of a home dictates that, George.

    GEORGE: That’s the popular opinion.

    ELAINE: The popular opinion?

    GEORGE: Yes. We don’t know why he’s out here. He could’ve just got tired of the rat race. Got tired of sleeping where he was told to sleep. In a bed. Under a roof. This is a man who is truly free.

    ELAINE: I think you’re looking at things a little romantically, George.

    GEORGE: Maybe I am, maybe I’m not.

    ELAINE: How about we ask him?

    GEORGE: He’s sleeping. That would be rude.

    HOMELESS MAN: (rises, stretches) I’m not sleeping. Not anymore at least. Not with all yer yappin.’

    GEORGE: Sorry sir, we didn’t mean to wake you. We’ll be on our way.

    ELAINE: But before we go, may I ask you a question?

    GEORGE: (under his breath, admonishing tone) Elaine.

    HOMELESS MAN: Not at all, ask away beautiful.

    ELAINE: (bashful giggle, composes herself) My friend and I were just wondering—

    GEORGE: (nervous laughter, intermittently flashes daggers at ELAINE) I wasn’t wondering. No wondering for me. Ask anybody who knows me, I’m no wonderer.

    ELAINE: (continues, undeterred) My friend and I were wondering what— How can I say this delicately? We were wondering how y—

    HOMELESS MAN: How I ended up sleeping on a park bench at two in the afternoon? I’ve got ears ya know.

    GEORGE: (forced polite smile) Sir, you don’t have to answer her question. Come on Elaine, let’s leave this nice man alone.

    HOMELESS MAN: No, it’s okay. I’ll answer. A long time ago I used to be an architect and I—

    GEORGE: An architect? Did you say you used to be an architect?!

    HOMELESS MAN: Yes young man.

    GEORGE: What happened?!

    HOMELESS MAN: Got tired of it.

    GEORGE: Tired of being an architect?! How could you ever get ti— You were an architect for cryin’ out loud?! An architect?!

    ELAINE: George!

    GEORGE: But he was an architect, Elaine?! An architect?!

    HOMELESS MAN: It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be.

    GEORGE: Not all that it’s cracked up to be?! Maybe you just weren’t a good architect.

    HOMELESS MAN: I was the best in the game.

    GEORGE: Oh, really?

    ELAINE: George!

    GEORGE: What were some of the buildings you designed?

    HOMELESS MAN: You know the Sentinel building on 32nd?

    GEORGE: Yes.

    HOMELESS MAN: That was me.

    GEORGE: Makes sense.

    HOMELESS MAN: What do you mean ‘makes sense?’

    GEORGE: Every time I go in that place I’d rather be outside.

    HOMELESS MAN: Such a strong opinion. What do you know about architecture young man?

    GEORGE: What do ‘I’ know about architecture? (smug grin) Well…sir…I AM an architect.

    ELAINE: (deep sigh) Oh brother.

(CHARS: James and Wilona, SETTING: Near Elevator, SUBJECT: Thelma Running Away).
scene parameters by Hope


    WILONA: Oh Lord, I can’t believe it, James! She ran away?!

    JAMES: Yep, woke up this morning and she was gone.

    WILONA: Do you have any idea where she could be?

    JAMES: Well she’s been seeing some peanut-head boy. She could be with him.

    WILONA: You know where he lives?

    JAMES: Trust me, Wilona, if I knew where the boy lived I would be there right now, holding him up against a wall by his nose.

    WILONA: Maybe a friend of hers was in trouble.

    JAMES: It’s not like Thelma to not tell me about things like that.

    WILONA: Come on James. Don’t act like the girl tells you everything.

    JAMES: What are you gettin’ at, Wilona?

    WILONA: James, sometimes you can be a a little—

    JAMES: A little WHAT, Wilona?!

    WILONA: That, what you’re doing right now.

    JAMES: Asking questions?!

    WILONA: No, jumping to conclu—

    JAMES: Are you saying my little girl ran away because I ask too many questions?!

    WILONA: No, James. I’m just saying she may not always tell you what’s on her mind, what she’s doing. She might be a little scared of you, that’ all I’m tryin’ to say.

    JAMES: Scared of me?! I’m her damn daddy Wilona. Are you scared of me?

    WILONA: Sometimes.

    JAMES: So now I’m scary, huh?! Like a monster!

    WILONA: James, I didn’t mean it like that.

    JAMES: But that’s what you said, Wilona, you said you we—

    Elevator DINGS, door opens, out walks THELMA, head down, obviously distraught.

    JAMES: Where you been girl?!

    WILONA: We were worried sick, Thelma.

    She ignores them, tries to rush past, JAMES grabs her by the arm.

    JAMES: I SAID where you been?!

    There’s a beat as she sizes him up with overly saturated eyes.

    THELMA: Daddy…I’m pregnant.

    (studio audiences gasps, cut to commercial)


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