Near Humans

robo dog

Most of the time when my brother’s cat is incessantly mewing at me I have no idea what the little dude wants, and I can tell this frustrates him ’cause his mews take on an impatient, whiny tone…but in those rare moments when I figure out what he’s ‘saying’ we have these great ‘we did the damn thing!’ moments afterward. Just basking in the success of our positive ‘cultural’ exchange. Shit’s pretty dope. I just hope when house pets evolve into the ‘new humans’ they remember us allies. Like build a monument to us or something.

This ‘new humans’ concept isn’t as far-fetched as you may think. Cats and dogs have evolved ‘near’ humans at a ridiculously accelerated pace and have been ‘studying’ us the whole time (just peep their incredibly inquisitive eyes when you’re doing some human shit; muthafuckas are taking genetic notes!!!!), so it’s not ‘crazy’ to think that they could potentially evolve into ‘near humans.’ Shit, there’s even some studies to back this up: This dude is thought to have been our prehistoric kinfolk. Muthafucka looks like a damn possum rat!


“She dealt with ceaseless peer ridicule in her time; they called her such dismissively hurtful names as ‘crazy cat lady’ and ‘spinster,’ but if it weren’t for her rescuing many of our—often neglected, and as a result severely depressed—ancestors we wouldn’t be here today; and this is why we revere her.”

-Lord Socks Petar, Prime Ruler of New Felinia


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