Near Humans

robo dog

Most of the time when my brother’s cat is mewing incessantly at me I have no idea what the little dude wants and I can tell this frustrates him ’cause his mews take on an impatient, whiny tone…but in those rare moments when I figure out what he’s ‘saying’ we have these great ‘we did the damn thing!’ moments afterward. Just basking in the success of our positive ‘cultural’ exchange. Shit’s pretty dope. I just hope when house pets evolve into the ‘new humans’ they remember us allies. Like build a monument to us or something.

This ‘new humans’concept isn’t as far-fetched as you may think. Cats and dogs have evolved ‘near’ humans at a ridiculously accelerated pace and have been ‘studying’ us the whole time (just peep your dog and/or cat’s incredibly inquisitive eyes when you’re doing some human shit; muthafuckas are taking genetic notes!!!!), so it’s not ‘crazy’ to think that they could potentially evolve into ‘near humans.’ Shit, there’s even some speculation that this dude was OUR prehistoric kinfolk. Muthafucka looks like a damn possum rat!


“She dealt with ceaseless peer ridicule in her time; they called her such dismissive, hurtful names as ‘crazy cat lady’ and ‘spinster,’ but if it weren’t for her rescuing many of our—often neglected, and as a result severely depressed—ancestors we wouldn’t be here today; and this is why we revere her.”

-Lord Socks Petar, Prime Ruler of New Felinia


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