Archive for the 'Death' Category

What the Hell?


In Minecraft’s Nether you cannot sleep. The game allows you to place a bed down, but the minute you try to lie down it blows up. This got me to thinking about the concept of eternal suffering. I’ve always thought such a concept would be impossible due to our adaptability. After burning in Hell for 10,000 (equivalent) years you might get used to it…unless the suffering got incrementally worse. Now THAT would suck.

You know that devastating feeling you get when you leave an air-conditioned room and walk out into 100 degree heat? The contrast is so extreme that the heat stings you more than it would had you been out in it for a few hours. In the concept of Hell I’m presenting here the ‘air-conditioned room’ would be ‘lesser’ intense suffering, but the contrast would be just as extreme. But what would be the rate of change? To ensure maximum suffering I would think it would have to be a ridiculously small increment of time… Imagine being outside on an extremely hot day and the temperature increasing a few degrees every nanosecond, and you had no way of seeking refuge. Not even death could save you.

Now if a place like this actually exists I would like to believe that it would take a whole HELLuva lotta cuttin’ up to get banished there. Like you would have to have actually CAUSED some incremental suffering of your own. Not some mundane shit like having consensual sex with another adult after a night out at Red Lobster.


The E(In)ternal Apocalypse

lego horsemen

Of course dark, scary prophecy is coming true. It’s ALWAYS coming true…because we’ve ALWAYS been afraid of the same shit! And our fear (read: intense worry)—thanks to that busy little demon known as self-sabotage—manifests as all the bad shit we see around us. Speaking of sabotage

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Practical Prophecy

I wanna talk about prophecy for a second. Oh, and don’t be afraid of that word. For the sake of this post it means a collection-of-past-truths-aligning-with-present-truths-usually-presented-in-allegorical-form. The ‘allegorical-form’ is key. That’s where the sleight-of-hand happens. Saying something like Joe Buckchik will visit a Marriot on 1834 Pell Street in Philadelphia on September 21, 2049 is too precise. If Joe doesn’t show you will lose some prophet credibility. You have to make your prophetic vision specifically nebulous. You won’t get many hits if you deal in specifically specific. I’m not saying it’s impossible. It very much is, and if you do get some hits—even if you only get ONE hit—you can raise your prophet-level significantly; but what you really wanna do is nail a ‘feeling.’ That’s what the colorful allegorical language does so bloody well. It stretches through time and makes us feel something and that right there is an incredible feat.
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Weird Alien Shit


I’m about to say some shit about turning the other cheek, but I must first divulge that I have not lived my life according to this (don’t know if I actually could) so it might help if you pretend these are the words of someone else. Someone with the gravitas to say something like this. Anyway, here goes…

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Dead Funny


Here are a couple bits written in the voices of various deceased comics. Enjoy…

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“The Moment My History Was Born”

Social media sites are gonna be mined by the Ancestry.coms of the distant future1. I’m not being facetious either, I GUARANTEE this is going to happen. Some of you are probably thinking to yourselves: “How can this fool guarantee anything, he doesn’t know shit!” and some of you would be right, but why not take a few shots? See if you can hit a FUTURE target. If it all comes true these words will SEEM like prophecy. Ain’t that divinely hilarious? We’re on here messin’ around and our descendants are gonna think we were fortune-tellers, wise beyond our ancient age. Just like we think of those who came before us. We act like they were all omniscient sages who didn’t crack one joke. Moving on… I present to you: “The Moment My History Was Born”…

The Moment My History Was Born

Here’s the setup: A young woman visits a future genealogy service to find traces of her ancient relative in the sprawling database they call The Ether. The above was the ONLY piece they were able to find. The technician worries that the young woman might be disappointed, but is surprised when her face lights up, eyes well; she can’t believe she is ‘looking’ at the words of her OLDEST known matriarch. She’s curious about one thing though…

“What in the hell is a ‘lil wayne?'”

The tech replies, “Well, unlike your ancestor who didn’t share much—and as a result we didn’t have much data available—her name only pops up a few times, such is not the case with ‘lil wayne,’ there is extensive information2 regarding him. Here, I’ll show you.”
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Nah, we’re good…


America’s basically an evolutionary Large Hadron Collider. Don’t know what we’re trying to discover by repeatedly smashing humanity’s polar opposites together though, but that might just be what makes this place so (terrifyingly) fun. And although we fight an’ squabble—like it or not (and I mean this LITERALLY) we are fucking FAMILY!!!! Dysfunctional-as-hell. All kinds’a illegitimate. But that doesn’t change these blood ties. Tangled up strains creating the cognitive dissonance that IS(!!!) the American experience!!!

We are ‘relatively’ GOOD here and we WILL get better but we MUST value our citizens!!!!! That means WE—me and you and everyone we know—have to do a better job of VALUING one another!

Oh, and fuck THEM okay. Whoever your THEM is. I don’t care if I’M your THEM. It’s not ABOUT them, it never has been. It has always been about YOU and YOUR(!!!) pursuit.

No one defines your pursuit. Once again: NO ONE DEFINES YOUR PURSUIT!!! If you say ‘racism,’ ‘sexism,’ ‘homophobia’ define it then you must’ve never REALLY pursued ANYTHING worth’a damn…probably just some weak-ass, flimsy ‘societal role’ you saw somewhere, thought fit you and threw on…but when you align your pursuit with your unique (genetically and/or God given) gift no pussy-ass ‘ism’ or ‘phobia’ will EVER be able to FORCE you to pursue a LIE!